One Couple’s Story: The Moral Shipwreck of In Vitro Fertilization

The desire to have a family leaves couple stranded with a moral dilemma 

Editor’s Note: In 1987 the Sacred Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, under the direction of Pope Blessed John Paul II and prefect Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger (now Pope Benedict XVI), issued a document known as Donum Vitae (“The Gift of Life”). It teaches that if a given medical intervention replaces the marriage act in order to engender life, it is not moral. One such reproductive technology, which the Church has clearly and unequivocally judged to be immoral, is in vitro fertilization (IVF). Read more from the USCCB at Begotten Not Made: A Catholic View of Reproductive Technology.

Last week at the Vatican, the Pontifical Academy for Life gathered together experts to discuss infertility, how it is diagnosed, how it can be treated, and how it impacts couples. In his remarks to the group, Pope Benedict XVI said, “I would like to remind the couples who are experiencing the condition of infertility, that their vocation to marriage is no less because of this. Spouses, for their own baptismal and marriage vocation, are called to cooperate with God in the creation of a new humanity.…There, where science has not yet found an answer, the answer that gives light comes from Christ.”

In that spirit, we recently received the following witness from one of our readers as a cautionary tale of the moral and spiritual issues that may ultimately arise when procreation is separated from the marital embrace. We humbly ask for your prayers for this family. Here is their story. ~ Lisa Schmidt

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A couple years ago, my husband and I were fortunate to experience an enriching faith program at our parish that has deepened our desire to have a better relationship with Jesus and His holy Church. The experience has also opened our eyes and hearts to the fact that some of our actions in the past have gone against the very teachings of the religion we have embraced with all our being. Prior to this renewal experience I would characterize our faith lives as many Catholics might — we attended Mass once a week and participated in prayer. In other words, we were just going through the motions. 

The Desire

Shortly after our marriage, my husband and I wanted to start a family as quickly as possible. We both longed to be parents and raise a family. That desire was a primary driver in both our belief systems of why we were put on this earth. After trying unsuccessfully for some period of time, our direction and guidance soon became “science vs. religion”. Instead of turning to God to understand why, we turned to doctors and science and began working on how to fix it. We were lost and didn’t have the foundation of the Church’s teaching to help guide us.  

“Children too are a gift from the Lord, the fruit of the womb, a reward. ”  Psalm 127:3

Our primary fault was to understand that a child is a GIFT from God, not a right. We were focused on our desires, not God’s will. When family and friends asked questions such as, “When will you have children?” or commented like, “I’m surprised you don’t have children yet,” over time I began to feel shame over my inability to conceive a child. I felt under the spotlight of scrutiny all the time. And most painfully, I felt I was letting my husband down.

The Decision

After limited thought we decided to undergo the in vitro fertilization (IVF) process after doctors advised us it was the only way to conceive. Again, we just looked at the science of having children. We didn’t seek to understand the Church’s teaching on IVF, or more importantly, what consequences could develop once initiated. Even though we chose the IVF process, we told only our immediate family and a couple of close friends. I felt ashamed of having to do this to become pregnant. We were so naïve, like we were the only ones who have ever had to deal with infertility. We asked no questions of any doctor about resources to help us with this decision, and our faith life was not equipped to handle this. Prior to implanting the embryos, looking back, there were many times when we should have taken more time to understand the consequences of the choices we were making and listen to what God was telling us. He gave us so many signs to stop the process — side effects due to the hormones, hyperstimulation of the ovaries, and bleeding in the abdomen, just to name a few.  

Despite all of these signs, we continued our IVF process and became pregnant with twins (they implanted two embryos to increase the odds). From this point, our pregnancy was supported by many friends and family. We had prayer chains at several different churches, prayers to St. Gerard, and visits from our priest with blessings. My pregnancy was difficult — sickness and bed rest at the hospital — but God was there for us, even though we chose the path we did. Our relationship with God actually became closer during this time.

“[The LORD, your God] is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, abounding in steadfast love, and relenting in punishment. Perhaps he will again relent and leave behind a blessing.” — Joel 2:13-14

Eventually, we were blessed with two healthy babies, and for this we are truly grateful! We love our children very much, and we can see the love of our God in them everyday! This, however, is not where the story ends.

The Dilemma

The process took another turn when, following the delivery of our babies, I needed an emergency hysterectomy. This was much more significant than my husband or I could ever imagine.

During the IVF process more than two embryos were created. The hysterectomy removed my uterus, and with no uterus, there is no place for our other children to go to be carried to term. I can’t carry them, and surrogacy is not an option in the Catholic Church. With this outcome, we now have several embryos frozen in a lab with basically nowhere to go. If they are unfrozen they will not survive; if they stay frozen, is that living? The consequences of our choices have left us with two children we love dearly, but many children we do not know how to care for. How do we proceed for their futures? We have received mixed responses from priests we have visited with on this issue about how to move forward. We were finally able to research the most recent guidance from the Catholic Church after a friend suggested we contact the National Catholic Bioethics Center. The teaching is to leave them in their current state.

We pray for them everyday, but we feel helpless as parents. As my husband and I pray and research what we are to do there are still many questions we have left unanswered. We would love to name them and have them baptized. If they stay frozen can this happen? Every parent’s goal is to help his or her children get to heaven; how can we do this? We feel the only way they can get to heaven is when they die. That would mean unfreezing them and in essence letting them die, but we are also taught to protect life. For now, we try to be the best parents for our two children who are with us and for our children frozen as embryos. We pray for them all and trust God will lead us in the right direction.

“Trust God and he will help you.” Sirach 2:6

My husband and I try not to go back and relive our choices; how can we with two children we love dearly? We continue to try to look forward and someday we hope to reunite with our children in heaven — all our children. We feel called to share our story more publicly so that perhaps it may help others understand the consequences of choices made with IVF. Perhaps sharing our story here is a good start. 

We have found a renewed faith and a love for our Catholic religion that we know in our hearts is the true way with God. With this, though, has come a dilemma. There are consequences to our actions, but we are steadfast in knowing we must now carry this as our cross. And we are now resolved to spread our Holy Father’s message that “where science has not yet found an answer, the answer that gives light comes from Christ.”


  1. says

    Thank you for telling your story. Your perspective is needed, not only as a voice of the heartbreak of infertility but also of the devasating consequences of listening to that heartbreak over the cautions of the Church.

    As for your 2 children that are frozen, I really have nothing to add to what others have already told you. Catholic scholars disagree on what is best for these little lives. I wrote a review of Catholic thought on embryo adoption. Although it does not strictly pertain to your situtation, there is logic there that my help you come to terms with whatever you decide. You can find that review here:

    God bless you. I will pray you and your husband have peace.

  2. Julie says

    Thank you for sharing your story. So often the desire for a child is such a strong thought that it overpowers the ability to think or reserach the consequences of the IVF decision. Also knowing of Catholic resources to help with infertility is not well known i.e. JPll Institute in Omaha. Your story will help other to have the whole picture before them.

  3. Dianna says

    I admire the bravery of this author( I couldn’t find her name) to share her story here. I know many many Catholic friends who don’t know our Church’s teaching on IVF.

    My heart breaks for the author …. I hope she will be able to help others with the sharing of her painful story. My prayers go up for she and her family.

    Kudos to Lisa and Joel for tackling a difficult topic head on.

  4. Jenny says

    Hello. You are doing the right thing in telling you and your husband’s story. If it can stop one Catholic couple,who is considering IVF, from doing the wrong thing, you have succeeded. God Bless You. Keep up the good work.

  5. Renee says

    What a BEAUTIFUL, heart-felt story!!! Thank you for sharing. I pray for you as you agonize with this cross, but maybe this is your opportunity to move forward with grace. THIS is the untold story that no one knows they’ll have to deal with. Thank you, Mother Church, for giving us these “rules” to protect us from heartache. God bless you!!!

  6. winter says

    I just wanted to offer you my prayers … we, too, did IVF and although we did conceive (and went on to use up our remaining frozen embryos) now we’re left with intense sadness and grief over the ones who didn’t make it. It was clear that the lab arbitrarily decides which embryos are “good enough” to freeze … had I not begged to transfer one extra 1 of my children wouldn’t be alive. It makes me so sad to think if that is the truth of other “poor quality” embryos the lab said we had to discard. I have been looking around trying to see if there is a Catholic support group post-IVF to deal with this and share our story, but so far no luck. I almost wonder if I should start one. You are not alone.

  7. Petra Spahr says

    There is nothing wrong with IVF, beautiful children were created by God through His instrument of science. Embryos lost are the same as what naturally happens, we just usually don’t know it. When vaccines first were made they were opposed as interfering in God’s will as to who lives or dies. We no longer believe that, so why so about IVF?

  8. SKC says

    I know that I am late in this comment, but I just came across this blog while researching IVF. My husband and I are not Catholic but we are Christian, and we are currently undergoing IVF. What bothers me a little bit about this story is the fact that, while yes every life is precious, not every fertilized egg is actually a human life. The reason why so many couples miscarry very early on in pregnancy, and why there are so many months out of a year that a couple can’t get pregnant is because not every egg carries the actual DNA and capability to turn into a baby. Many eggs will fertilize and then stop growing. This is not because something died, but simply because the egg wasn’t actually viable. Life begins at conception, but not necessarily a human life. There is a Chromosome Screening Test that can be done to see if the embryo is in fact a viable human. If the embryo does not carry the correct chromosome make up, then it’s not actually a viable human embryo. This is NOT the same as genetic testing which screens for imperfections. I believe, unequivocally, that that is wrong. This simply tests the possibility of that embryo continuing to grow. Of that embryo being a baby. Embryos that are aneuploid do not carry the chromosomal make up to be human or to live beyond a few weeks. These are the embryos that would naturally miscarry.

    I only bring this up as a suggestion that this couple might consider. They could have their frozen embryos biopsied and tested. It is possible that those embryos are not actually viable, and therefore the moral dilemma could be diminished.

    I pray for them as they struggle through this and would be very interested in an update if their situation has changed.

    • SKC says

      When I say “live beyond a few weeks” I mean as an embryo. Not that they could be born and live a few weeks. Just wanted to clarify.

  9. Kylemoore says

    I, too, share this dilemma. Both of my children are IVF babies, they are such gifts…at the time my husband and I were having fertility problems, we did not know that IVF was not accepted by the church despite attending Engegement Encounter before marraige and Celebrate Love once married, (our weekend leaders knew we had fertility problems and that we were going to do IVF, no one educated us!). Now I am 54 years old, and just got a notice that I have some left over frozen embryos. According to this couple’s research, the morally right thing to do is to keep them frozen. I have been searching for the right answer. I don’t know what the future holds, but I guess for now and until science has more answers, I will continue to keep them frozen.


  1. […] To those who struggle with infertility: the Catholic Church is not your enemy. She wants what is best for both you and the children you so desire. The truth about IVF is that, besides immorally separating procreation from the marital act, it is a serious health risk to both the woman and her future child — if she is lucky enough to give birth, that is. Most women will go through multiple IVF cycles before an embryo will even attach itself in the womb, let alone survive until birth – and those suckers aren’t cheap. Not only do they cost each couple tens, if not hundreds of thousands of dollars, but they come at the expense multiple human lives. When it comes to IVF, the number of lives lost, destroyed or ‘frozen in time’ significantly outweighs the number of human beings actually living outside the womb as a result of this technology. According to recent numbers more than thirty embryos are created for every successful birth by IVF. And even if you intend, as the Savages did, to give every embryo you create a chance at life, you don’t exactly have control over that, as a reader at the Practicing Catholic painfully reminded us recently. […]

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