© Patti Ballard
During my undergrad years, I took class titled Death as a Part of Living. During the first lecture, we took an informal quiz of sorts that had us inventorying life events — a job change, marriage, the birth of a child, a death of a loved one, a move, starting college, etc. The more events a person experienced during a specific timeframe, the more stress she will be under. Even positive life events, like marriage or being hired for that dream job, create stress.
As I reflect back over the last six or so years, that quiz pops into my mind from time to time. I now recognize I’ve been bombarded with a ton of these stress triggers: birthing three babies, mourning my father’s sudden death, resigning from a great job I loved so that I could simply just be with my kids, journeying for 4+ years with my husband through deacon formation, leaving a parish community and finding a new one only to find another new one once Joel was ordained. There’s more events, but those are the big ones that put me on a roller coaster ride providing both high, feel-good spiritual moments and alternatively very low, depressing ones as well.
Tied up in Knots
This past year, especially, I’ve felt a knot in our family’s life that I just couldn’t pinpoint. Was it acclimating to life as a new deacon family? Was it a potential job change for Joel? Maybe even me going back to work? Should we look at moving closer to Joel’s workplace or our new parish? Should we continue homeschooling?
As much as I value and see the tremendous benefits of homeschooling, there’s been something lacking in the homeschool dynamic for our family. All spring and summer I’ve been in knots just thinking about the 2015-16 school year, and I was desperate for God to simply show me the path forward. Up to this point, I always felt God’s answer to our prayers was something like this: Just pick a path, and I will be there with you. And He has been there with us. Two years of homeschooling has borne some really great fruit for our family. But the knots. I just couldn’t shake the knots.
Pope Francis talks a lot about his special devotion to Mary, Undoer of Knots. He encourages the faithful to go to her, especially when dealing with family issues in need of grace, peace, and resolution. So a few weeks back, Joel and I committed to praying a Mary, Undoer of Knots novena, specifically asking for Mary’s intercession over our school decisions, that she may read our hearts and guide us down the path that will best lead our family toward a greater union with her Son.
Mary was so busy untying my knots, her hand fell off!
I asked for clear signs, and God, through Mary’s heart and hands, provided very clear signs. For that, I’m so grateful. During the time of the novena, I had three dreams I specifically remember (I don’t usually remember my dreams). In one dream I saw Lucy walking home from school with a backpack. I remember she was happy and smiling as she walked home. Maybe more importantly, I was happy and smiling as I waited for her. A second dream had me conversing with a woman who has suffered from severe depression. In the dream, she encouraged me to consider exploring some type of work outside the home. Let me be clear — I’m not experiencing severe depression and don’t even want to casually suggest I know what that feels like. But not being in the workforce has been a very hard adjustment for me still, even five years later. At first I discounted that dream, but upon reflection, I do think it plays into God’s bigger picture. Finally, in the third dream, Joel and I were sitting at St. Pius X School talking with the principal and a few teachers. Now we really don’t know anyone at St. Pius X School, but we do know one parish staff member, and she was in the dream. That gave me the clue that we should explore sending Lucy there.
Fast forward a few days, Joel scheduled a meeting with the principal. I was hesitant to go to the meeting because even with those dreams, I thought my prayers were being answered in another way. But as I got out of my car and walked into the school building for that meeting, I heard a cardinal bird singing. The Holy Spirit often sends me a cardinal to show me that everything is going to be okay. And throughout the meeting with the principal, I heard that cardinal continue to sing, even as I sat inside the building. I began to submit and trust this was where we needed to be. We ending up enrolling our oldest daughter there the very next day, and today, she started her first day of school.
All smiles on her first day!
Discerning God’s will allows you to say YES! with enthusiasm and NO! with conviction. Our recent discernment to gain clarity about educational choices has allowed me to say no with conviction to homeschooling. I recognize God is not calling me down this path right now. Since making that decision, peace has truly followed and the Holy Spirit keeps lifting up people, places, and things to reinforce this is the right path forward.
I recently stumbled on some notes I wrote down in my journal during one of Joel’s deacon retreats. The retreat was focused on discernment, and here’s something that was said by someone (not sure who!): Absence of an answer inhibits freedom for action; a clear answer brings peace of heart and releases energy for service. I’m so glad I found that quote because I don’t think I could have come up with those words on my own. But that’s precisely what I’m experiencing. I’ve been able to rise in the morning with joy, with a sense of purpose, with a newfound passion to pour out my heart and soul in service to my husband and family.
During recent spiritual direction the priest asked me what all this felt like, and the word that came to my heart was freedom. Freedom truly is a supernatural gift we are given when we follow God’s will, and it feels really good to finally know what that feels like. To echo what the card above states: sometimes life takes you down new and unexpected roads. This too, is part of the ride. But we begin this new journey in confidence that God’s will shall be done.
What a great post and I like that graphic too! We prayed the Undoer of Knots prayer every day of our 58-day rosary novena. All smiles! :)
Thank you, Melanie! I want to hear more about your novena!
That’s interesting that the holy spirit uses a cardinal to communicate with you. I’ve always felt like Mary communicates to me through ladybugs, on a couple of specific occasions. I thought I might seem crazy in front of others until I read what you wrote.I think God sometimes sends us signs that others would think are nothing, but he knows we will notice.
I love this article. Wonderfully written, and parts of it are things I really needed to hear. God spoke to me today through you. Know that, and God bless your gift of writing
I love the ladybug story! :) Thank you, kindly, for sharing your thoughts with me. Your words are such a blessing to me. I debated even sharing all this publicly. On Sunday evening, I had written a lot more here that I ultimately didn’t publish, but the Scripture verse from Luke 2:19 kept playing on repeat in my mind: “And Mary kept all these things, reflecting on them in her heart.”
So I didn’t publish what I written then as I felt the Holy Spirit was asking me simply to be quiet and ponder. Then Monday came, and the Holy Spirit definitely redirected and pushed me to simply share my discernment story. And I’m so glad I follow His lead because that story seems to be resonating with others!
I have always felt that every year, and even every day, can be the beginning of a new path, especially concerning home schooling. The only advice that I will add to your thoughts is to keep your heart open to home schooling again someday. This happened in my life three times and I have never, ever regretted taking those kids back into the home to school them for a while. I also know how great it has been for me to work part time so I’m home most of the time when the kids have been home. You gotta do what you gotta do .. with God’s help… is my motto.
Good advice. Joel and I both say we will continue to discern our education options on a yearly basis. So you never know … :)
I am so glad you have found peace in this journey. And I LOVE the picture of Lucy at school. My friends’s children just started their today as well. Gavin is her son that is in 1st grade.
Thank you, Elizabeth!!
Yes it does sometimes take you down a different road. Had the same thing happen to me this year, just in the last two months. I prayed that God would let me be the pencil. I knew what I wanted but it wasn’t working out. When I let go and went with it, things started to fall into place.
“I prayed that God would let me be the pencil” – that’s a powerful line there that I may borrow for future writing projects! :)
Freedom, interior freedom, is often the biggest fruit of true discernment. Thanks for this post.
Well stated. Thank you!
Dexter Senin
What a powerful witness. Thank you for sharing your discernment, Lisa. No matter what schooling choice you would have ended with, it’s really impactful for me to see you lay it all out how you and joel came to the decision you did.
Thank you, Bonnie! I appreciate you writing so openly about your discernment and decisions for your family as well over at your place. Your experiences demonstrates to me that the virtues I was trying to build my family around (e.g., holy leisure) through homeschooling CAN be a reality even if we’re not homeschooling. So thank you! :)
Kimberly
Thanks for the share! I need to do a little more praying!
Thank you so much for sharing your faith journey. You have such an open heart . You are so inspiring . You are listening for God’s voice in your life and the lives of your family and have clearly heard His voice. God bless you
Thank you for your kind words. Blessings to you!
Hi Lisa,
I had a similar answer to a novena I prayed to the Holy Spirit 3 years ago. After being told numerous times by our priest/friend to stop homeschooling and my kids being quite behind academically, I prayed a novena to the Holy Spirit and one day while driving past our parish, the anxiety about putting them into school simply vanished and I was filled with peace. I enrolled my children in our little Catholic school and we never looked back! Everything fell into place and I know it was the right choice. Since then, when there is a heavy or difficult decision to make, I turn to the Holy Spirit.
Thanks!
Hi Katie! Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I totally relate to what you write about the anxiety simply vanishing. That’s been my experience, too, and so much is falling into place so quickly. Amazing how God pours out even more goodness when we are faithful to Him, huh? :)
I’m so grateful to have come across this post through a link at the Pitter Patter Diaries page on FB. I am on day four of my novena to Mary, Undoer of Knots. I am also praying for a clear sign for an important situation in my life. I know what I *want* the answer to be, but I suspect that what I will be given is the grace to choose another path. Thank you for this post, which reminds me that I will have peace either way. It is so true that an unclear path is draining on many levels. I hope my signs are as clear as yours were!
Hi Sharon. Thanks for stopping by. I pray God is shining His light on your discernment process. I heard crickets for 2 years, and looking back, I needed that time in order to be open to hearing/seeing the signs when God revealed them. Now the anxiety is gone, and it is such a freeing experience to have the interior peace. Please know I will pray for you during my Holy Hour today!
I really appreciated reading this. It spoke to my heart in this time of difficult and confusing discernment. Thank you for sharing your story!
Also wanted to say I very rarely ever read a whole article through, there are many blogs out there but I find most are tiring to read even if interesting topic. Yours was enjoyable and I read right to the end.